Running Away

I ran away Saturday morning,
when the world napped lazily in the summer haze,
before beaches opened and traffic lined the streets
with revolting smells of petroleum and cigarettes.

I didn't pack a suitcase, not even a handbag,
because I couldn't fathom the thought
of bringing clothes, perfumes, pictures-
anything that would remind me of the past.

I imagined- or rather I hoped- it'd turn into a memory,
a bad one no doubt, but I'd be glad
if, like a heavy fog, it would fade after a time
and I'd sit by a gentler fire reading a novel.

It seemed, though, I couldn't move my feet;
they lingered on the front door steps,
and when I finally reached the driveway,
my mind raced incredibly but my body froze.

I'm not quite sure how to explain the sensation,
that perplexing pain where my heart lies;
there was a throbbing, I remember,
and then the deepest emptiness in the universe.

I kept going, after a pause, walking along
in the bright blaze of sunlight by the wood
where I speculated the presence of a bear
or perhaps a wolf, or was it a fantasy of company?

If you've ever felt lonely, it cannot have been like this,
amplified, enveloping, swarming as bees do,
yet I'd more agreeably compare it to heat;
the desert's oblivion intended to swallow me.

I kicked at a few rocks to distract the pother
and directed my gaze to a passing butterfly,
wondering how it fluttered its wings with such tranquility
through stages of metamorphosis similar to our own.

Isn't it a trying experience to bear the chaos
of the lessons through inevitable age- time's truth-,
learning them usually the hard way in life,
almost as solid as the boulder by my heels?

It bore into me, the thought and its transcendence,
which didn't ease the dilemma as equally 
as it brought awareness of other things-
a new sight as I stood on the highway staring ahead.

"Inevitable", I repeated, slowly spacing afar,
gazing at the high sun, a blue sky, pale clouds,
and beneath them the first person I'd seen 
since evening the preceding day, yawning sleepily.

Innocently, she was trotting my direction, a little girl,
with large, happy eyes and a pretty smile facing me;
her elder brother followed in frustration behind,
a positive and negative result of reality.

Irrefutably, wherever I go, they'll be there, won't they,
the members of Heaven and Hell, some good
and others expressing their madness shamelessly,
but I suppose it's something to be expected.

I glanced at the trees surrounding-
trees that appeared the same as those elsewhere,
labeled with the exact word no matter the dimension,
whether it be outside the neighbor's place or God's.

--

I'd grown tired after another hour flew slowly,
sighing as I realized my plan of a billion steps
had failed; night had fallen and I continued striding
into a darkness that reflected what I wished to escape.

I rubbed the thinning lashes across my eyelids,
regrettably recalling why I was still moving forward-
well, at that point, it could have been sideways
because my legs swayed exhaustively like a drunkard's.

In the dim glow of the stars, a dizziness struck my head;
stressful years bottled up in frail body
now boiled into a poisonous vapor drifting across
what purity remained in the congested air.

Infected, my pupil's burned, tired and pink
as crisp-clear flashbulb images intruded,
the majority of sorrow, but I was no more cheerful here,
which some psychology did not informatively explain.

I was in tears soon enough, as you may not be surprised,
wandering sluggishly and aimlessly,
and yet, for the first time since my journey began,
it felt as though I had found the right direction. 

I didn't quite understand it then;
something about the footprints in the gravel 
looked oddly familiar, so I pressed my shoes into them, 
but, curiously, they seemed to be upside down.

It was strange to notice, and yet I couldn't help
to feel that closer and closer by was an escape:
somewhere where I could begin again
with every intention not to redo mistakes- I was almost there!

--

It was Sunday morning when I stopped,
eyes half-closed, an internal dust coating my lungs,
but triumph prompted a smile to my lips;
inside, a warmth reassured me the destination was achieved.

I lifted my focus from the ground eagerly,
suddenly looking directly ahead at what lay beyond:
Presently I sit in this armchair, still baffled, still startled
by how I ended up at my own house door.